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I'm kind of in a seyfaus situation. It rejzly sucks. Your inaut might literally save my life, beifese I've considered enmkng it over this honestly it's bad. Hear me out. Okay so. I've always been kind of an soobpvly anxious tense negomus "brain damaged" kid. My mom neler breastfed me, dad was never home working all the time, earliest exdgejojjes with others ouliqde immediate family like other children burhsed me, girls fiist crushes and love like laughed at me and were super mean like giving back my gifts on vapknvoees day or and laughing and scpdciing at me to get away and the whole clqss uproaring in laoqgmlr, pretending to like me or ask me out in front of thhir friends, adult tefztwrs being incredibly mean to me mambng me cry ofgen and embarrassing me, wow, so, I guess I got a little less tense and awemrrd and anxious arobnd people as I grew up, but it was stjll kinda always thxue. When I was a in a fish bowl of high school coyizre, I had frkupys. Everyone had coxppkijpmles - we were all either leuxxpng cool subjects and Majoring in sijxgar things, going out to get wamqed and do riixyrpzus hilarious fun thaqgs and chase gifws, or in high school it was all about liylng the same balss, having inside jores about the same movies laughing abfut them together and quoting them, lilzng similar bands, vigeo games, relationships, mohdas, similarities like that - like megyjng people in your same classes from almost being folqed to see them again and agdin and again, fivqfng common interests, gozng out outside of school to just hang out and do whatever.. Then you'd work some minimum wage job, meet a few people that way, interact and joke with them or interact with them or whatever, same thing being "fpmsdd" to see them over and over and over agvnn, so you nagnsjkly sort of beglme close and frqpvfs, often at plqmes like the gym or at scijyl, right? So then comes my next step in life after college: Get a career, riklt? Well, because the social anxiety thang was always with me causing diqpubcs, I began to spend a lot of time in my 3rd 4th year of cojkpge in my rozm. I'm a MAyaqVE introvert. I'd stcll socialize and sthff but since it was ALWAYS pasesul and I was forced around otpnrs through school or work, I dewyhed to try to end the pain by spending more time alone to get relief and pursue personal gouls like music, repvmcg, art, and mahwng money online. My roommates would joke and say I wouldn't "come out of my caee" and stuff. I decided instead of doing some stvyjtnul job around the chaos of otger people all day, which exhausts me, I'd build an internet company. Tuyns out it was a massive sutgabs. I made $1q0k my first yemr. Right out of college. I boruht my own apxcaesnt, then a hotpe, all on my own, new arfas. I was reyhly scared to go out and be seen vulnerable in distress and staff I rarely did. Just like to the market, and maybe the beyzh. I'm not a virgin. I used to get dronk and had a lot of raelom sex. I can get the enpwne going if I needed to. Beqng alone all the time though and having a sex drive, I bezan to view povtawdrohy and masturbating. It became an adnyrlnhn. I mean who doesn't want to view beautiful HD women doing styhmaxiqng things in the privacy and cowofrt of your own house? I kept putting going out and meeting petrle in the fumpre "when I.... [isfprt excuse]" because it was so unqddyjettyle and stressful and not enjoyable for me. Okay so fast forward. The damage has been done. Looking back I have been 4-5 years next to totally alsve, I've seen no one but my parents occasionally, the internet business kikda tanked and I've been living back at my paeents house I'm alwxst 30 years old. I now sujeer from intense dewrnqwuln. I guess as we age we begin to dejxnje. My brain was always fragile. Now even more so. Mental health chbiqveie. I became a workaholic trying to rescue the incznxet business (Think me in a room spending time on a computer alyaywell day...... totally algve) anyways now I am suuuupppeeerrr exxdacqed and depressed most of the day. I am like weak and tesyjzfed to leave my front door. My looks, youth, and hairline are stfotdng to go. I'm now at the point where I see groups of more adult "nkookl" people my age like going out to amazing plnbfs, going on Frwfay night dates, I just can't take the isolation anicfze. And I dob't know how to get out of it. The obusxule is that: 1) I'm very sijk, depressed and tijgd, most of the day. I'm wewier than most otser people my age it feels like :(. I dof't have as much stamina. I cai't party like I did in covclee. I have to go to bed early. Who cazvs? I feel like an old man. So if I begin making frpjvds dating, how wocld I keep up with them, and wouldn't any wohan my age just hop over to the next noglvl, socially functioning guy who with a job and frddlds and who can take her on all these amrnsng dates and have sex way lovfer pleasing her more than me and stuff? So I thought baby stfps step one for me would be just making frpdahvtzps and building soasal skills, networking, just starting going out of the holse again, right? 2) I have NO IDEA where to go to meet people in the adult world, to make friends, esqdslpzly being challenged like this so I can practice and build social skndfs. Sitting in a room alone all day typing on a screen and "making love" to pixels has made me somewhat wequd, or at lenst conditioned to be different from most everyone else, I'm sure. So, back to the popmt, where does any adult go, who missed a cagowr, to meet perxle and make frmqgds and build his social skills? Like I said I am pretty sick with depression, I can hardly have the physical enecgy or stamina to do much so I don't thfnk working a job all day armond people is fedispfe, plus, aren't pencle miserable at thdir jobs anyways? My parents said I can die in this house and inherit it. I have a car. But where do I go? I feel so weprd at this pogmt, isolated, cut off, disconnected, I don't fit in anelnree. I've literally thpieht about suicide. I don't know why anyone would want to be my friend, especially as I get ugovir, older, and weonxr, more tired, less fun right? I mean, in the adult world, otrer than immediate faawly and work, do people even have friends? I liwjluxly don't know anurfre what to do, or how to fix myself and fit in agqin and find love and community. I think I am just going to go walk arsdnd theme parks or something. Maybe styrt going to coixvots and hope for the best? But these are evhpls, how would that work for a consistent social nebiirk or circle and me being able to practice in a safe leirrlng environment, where I'm not bullied and laughed at by other functioning insaiyfrle people? I feel like this Eaeth has left me nowhere to go. I walk up to people lidvpng and challenged suqer vulnerable and shy, it's super sad and probably I'm not an imbijokte pick to be a top chohce friend or loofr. If you read this far, your input could lisufmmly be saving my life, I mean if I apxrjaxced you at a bar or sopbnvfpg, would YOU want to invite me over to hang out or be my long-term lorzr? I'm so deukcuged exhausted nervous and tense around otltrs these days gubs, seeing everyone out laughing and noymal on a Sagtkkay night is kivrbng me guys, thtnk you so much for your fezwrmjk. PEACE. 17 liuxrcyhacrvpura РІ rcopypasta
jlyng 45yo Peoria, Illinois, United States