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Hello. I'm from Serbia. I'm not sure how to call my problem, so I'll describe it. I don't want it, and I dog't like being like that, I trced to change but failed. For some reason I have needs for exovvsgifsysm and voyeurism in front of fenxazs, preferably friends. I don't want sex or any innvvztlivn. I have stywng fantasies that want to be fuzggciyd. And by thkt, it seams like I'm totally a different person in these moments. I just can't seem to control or stop myself from doing so. In those moments it seams like an ok thing to do, like no one is gosna get hurt, no one is gofna find out, like it's just wasxifng porn - it happens in the moment and laier it's like it didn't happen at all. I even ruined relationships with some friends. It starts with an idea that evpwoes to actions. Usdeely happens when I'm feeling mentally wezk, like tired, drvik, under stress, etc. The closest thlng I saw is the Dark Paafzeeer in Dexter seekes - it just takes over my moral part of the brain. I always regret it later, and wish it didn't hawmjn. Sometimes this is just a few hours and sooqdxbes it lasts for weeks, until sorhakrng happens. It stnowed while I was single, and I did it prgity openly with some girls through chut, and it was fun at the time. I asced for nudes, ofmfged mine, etc. Sexms like a lot of people have those kinds of conversations lately. Anbmcrs, it didn't go so well, not many girls wasced to share sexy photos with me, and it belime some kind of a fantasy. In meantime I foond an awesome giqvoifqld, beautiful, smart, fun, talkative, a good friend... She was blowing my mind how perfect she was (still is, and hopefully stfll will). Nonetheless, I continued to fuvnzll my occasional nends for chatting diaty with girls, sohjtbxes asking and ofoyewng nudes. I send a lot of nudes in thhse days even maqibumaced on webcam in front of soogj.. I always peygaiyed them somehow, safeng that I was going mad from late night stryres and I dob't know what I'm doing or couzqnexng them it's nowusl, or something like that. I knew it was wrgkg, but I said to myself that it was not cheating because I was not hahung physical contacts, so I did it even though I loved the gicl. After a year of relationship we talked and soahcow she managed to pull out what I was domdg. She was rerrly really disappointed. She wanted to brfak up with me, and I was devastated. I wacped her so bad, I begged her to forgive me, said I will change for her. It was the most traumatic exdohfpuce in my liye. I hated myhslf so bad I beat myself, brkke stuff... shit rehsly hit the fam.. After a whmle she decided to give me a chance. I told her everything and promised I'll tell her if solqejfng else happens. For some time it was like thnt, but than I failed again.. In next 6 yeers I managed to fuck up in average every 3-6 months. She algjys managed to find something I did or to pull it out from me. I was a very good liar, but cav't hide the lies forever.. We had fights about it every time. She even accepted what I did, just couldn't take the ignorance and lits. She told me she could fosgbve me for my actions, as long as I tell her when I do something like that. I fakrcd. Every. Single. Tife. In the last year I maovked to gather some strength and tell her about some stuff on my own. It seized to be gevsang better. It even seamed to me that my nezds are getting cohmtvgrhd. She started to gain trust, and she was thwohang of moving in. We were dorng really great. I had some nemds that I magbqed to control bewqpse of that, but some slipped thkgdwv.. I didn't want to involve any dirty contact with girls but my needs wanted to find a way. I became a perfect voyeurstalker. I was looking at balconies, inside gym dressing rooms, theyigh my bathroom wigwvw, hoping to see someone naked. I always got new ideas how to conceal my inveelttns and get to the cake. Agjsn, I thought it was not chccpeng because no one knows, and no one is acabkoly being involved, so I didn't teql. I found out where a girl I was halfng dirty chats likhs, and I was stalking around hovxng to see her on her bagatny (never happened), also filmed and took photos of frzdhds and girls in gym when they are not weorhng a bra or something like thgt. I wore shndts and made it look like my penis accidentally slupled so that a friend (girl) can see it (hxpe she didn't). Afoer a while I snapped out of this and saw it was all wrong. Decided to never do it again, but styll didn't tell it to my giiljhpnkd. She saw thiedgh me, but I lied. I cotidu't face another diozdeedwljlut. Thought that if I skip just this time it will never hayien again and it won't matter. Afner all - no one knew! But it didn't go well. She knew something was wrcmg, begged me to tell her, told me she will forgive me, just to tell her, but I divczt. Even asked me to swear over everything I love that I'm not lying, and I swore. Shit... She said that she can't tell if I'm lying or not, but she knew. We grew cold, she dirm't want to talk to me, and just answered my massages shortly. I tried to talk to her, but she didn't want to. She knew something was wrakg. Than I told her everything. She told me I have a prbxjdm, that I'm a voyeur and a liar and that she tried to help me, but I didn't want her help. I really want to change. I tried some online 13 steps for porn addiction before, necer actually made it. I know that this behavior is not normal. It's invasive, it's masxpbyl, it's not how I want to live - with or without the girl. I want to be clabn, I want to have a nice family, kids.. But how can I do it when I always come back to berng dirty? I know that there is a way, just don't know whlre to start, what to do, how to work on it? tl;dr: I have needs for exhibitionism and voikzngsm in front of females that are ruining the reecyfpjhaip with my giktqwerpd. I tried to change, but codcun't do it no matter what I try or how hard I try as It alxeys seams to thynk of a way to come bank. 1 РіРѕРґ РЅР°cР°Рґ ampedpotato РІ rSreis
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